Upgraded or Improving?

While riding home in the car today with my youngest young’un after what should have been an enjoyable weekend away with family I was hit with a realization that I was the one who made it the most stressful at times for not only me but everyone in my path. Not intentionally, of course. I was instantly a little sick to my stomach as all the emotions I had felt throughout the day seemed to play through my head. I forced myself to watch all the times where I could have provided a different response, posed a question in a different way, or took maybe just a second to breathe when I should have. I believe the uneasy stomach came from the fact that reflection of my day allowed me to see the pain on all the people around me. I could feel it. Just as so many others hurt me in ways they probably didn’t understand at the time, I was doing the exact same. Tears came as I made a vow to myself to change. Get help. Be stronger than my fear to let someone help. I knew it had to start with me though, and this is the beginning. I have always been better at communicating through writing, and while I know that I must work on opening up I can’t do that until I really open up to myself. Accept that it’s ok not to be perfect and forgive not just myself, but everyone because nobody is. I decided that even with ALL the other things going on/wrong I will find time to allow change, also another deficiency of mine, but now I know that without change nothing gets better. I will do it for myself, and for the ones closest to me. Sadly, I know I hurt them the most. I love too hard, feel too much, and have never learned how to fully control the effusive emotions I have blazing inside me. Scorching my insides because I never let them out until somehow it’s as if they find a way to escape on their own. So, I’ve decided since I can’t control these …well, let’s call them my “passion flares” I will have to focus on them and harness them all for only the right things and in the right way. I think tomorrow will be a different day. Correction, I know tomorrow will be a different day. I will passionately and effectively dig into myself and pull out all the negative thoughts a
nd blame. Stop saying sorry and take responsibility for myself, my choices, my failures, and my actions. I didn’t mean to play the victim. Excusing my behaviors for so long and asking others to excuse them as well will only pass on these unwanted traits. I too was creating victims, but I am NOT a villain. Matter of fact, I know deep in my soul I was born to be a hero, a confidant, a healer, a lover of all, a leader, a role model, a crusader, a guardian, an originator, and an innovator. Yesterday I wouldn’t have believed any of those things, but today I’ve decided to stop thinking for others even though I may think I know what they are thinking I can tell now all I was hearing were my own thoughts. I will start a round table made up of only MY thoughts and we will not cast blame on each other but instead forgive, rebuild, and move forward. Get on the same page and trust that we are allowed to be great and to fail. The only way I will ever lose this battle would be to give in to the void, and I feel it creeping up on me now…Shhhhhhh. Quiet, she’ll hear. I’ll get back to you soon. I’ve got to get up and get out of this room. The over and over again will eat me alive and I can’t let anything catch me. I’ve decided I want to survive.

Attie

Published by ataliep33

I am a mother first, but without these words I spill, I cannot breathe. I am me in my words. No matter who you think I am or what truths you choose to believe. Getting out what I keep inside produces my oxygen, which keeps me alive. If you read these thoughts of mine, please do so with a little rhyme, because while I may seem remedial and soft spoken my heart is one that will never again be broken.

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